Wow, a lot has changed in a month, or, stayed the same (depends on how you look at it).

It seems that life has decided to give me the ultimate test lately. Its been a struggle just to stay afloat. Quite honestly, I don't know how i'm managing.

I didn't get that job that I was counting on upon "graduation". It seems that the lack of three credits, which prevented my reciept of the degree, along with my lack of experience ended up being to much for the prospective employer. This was a set back at best. I'm still searching for another job, and in the meantime my employment is safe as long as I'm a student. Its hard to enter that lab every day just to realize that I'm not likely to find employment in the field i've trained in for a year. I am forced to look at temporary agencies, both scientific and not, though I still have had no luck.

It seems that when it rains it pours. The "ex" front is not doing much better. I live constantly with the thought that he is turning my daughter against me. Telling her things that no one, especially an eight year old, should have to hear. This pains me greatly. There are time that I lie awake crying at night with the thought of losing her. It seems that there is nothing I can do to defend myself against his wretched comments and silly arguments. So I sit here at take what he has to dish out, and pray that his judgements of me decrease with time (I believe these prayers may be in vain). My daughter is my life, and there are times when being away from her physically hurts me, especially on the weekends when I know that she is a captive prisoner to her father's inquiries and insults.

To continue on with the storm, my best friend was released from jail about 4 weeks ago, with the knowledge that someone close to her had reported her probation violations. She thinks I had something to do with it. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to her much in the past month.

The day after she was released, I got another blow. I was in a wreck on my way home from work. While it could have been alot worse, the pain in my back and neck left me out of work for nearly three weeks. I thank god that I had Chris there for me. At that moment in time, while my daughter was being brainwashed by my inlaws, and my best friend had decided I had betrayed her, it seemed that he was all I had left.

Once that type of realization sets in... something happens. For me, i became deathly afraid that he was going to leave me, and that I would lose the best thing that has happened to me in my adult life. What seems to have happened is that my fear and depression put a strain on our relationship. I'm trying to take care of myself now, so that we can salvage us. I still want to share my life with him but for both of our sakes I need to get healthy.

Since I have yet another Dr. appt (4th this week) in about an hour, I have to end this entry here. Perhaps later this evening I will update you all on my wreck.