Why Can't I Sleep???????

Okay, its 3:30 in the morning and I am freakin wide awake. This normally wouldn't bother me except for the fact that it has become a frequent occurance lately. Aside from the sleeplessness, I find that my brain is going 120 mph on things that make absolutely no difference to me.

I don't suspect that anyone reads this on a regular basis, but in the event that there is some soul out there that just *has* to know what's going on in my life, I must apologize. I'm going to use this one post to air out my head. Get some junk off of my chest. Perhaps then, I'll be able to get some rest.

First let me just say this... I don't mind being single.

Really, I don't. I've gotten past the point of needing someone to make me feel like I am worth something. I know that I'm good at what I do in my work, and in my parenting. In those two areas alone, I am worthy of life...

There are times, however, when it sucks to be alone. Like now for example. With a warm body nestled behind me, I could sleep like a baby, wrapped in warmth. Or like earlier tonight, when I was in a completely silly mood. I could have laughed for hours had I had someone to laugh with.

Its at this point where life gets tough. Where going to work and coming home becomes monotonous, and you start to wonder if anyone would miss you. I know they would. I mean, who wouldn't, I'm freakin awsome *with a side of bitterness*, but for the most part awsome. Very confused, and scared. I want to be truely happy... knocked my socks off happy. How in the world can I let that happen when, even if it is years down the road, that happiness is gonna fade? And what man is going to be patient enough with me to take things slow? Slow enough to let me see that what he really wants is just to hang with me... Slow enough to let me open my heart at my own pace, without feeling pressured or guilty.

Why is it that all I want is my last relationship at the beginning... before the cheating, and the impatience and the heartache. Before the rumors, the lies, and the resentment. When we were just happy to be able to watch a movie together... or sleep in on a saturday morning?

See that's the thing... some have told me that I need to get over my ex... I just don't think their observations are correct... I am over him. Very much over him. Because when it comes down to it... I don't think that I even like him as a person, and I don't know that I ever did. *Its easy to look past all the faults of a person when he's got you captivated*

So, no... while, at one point, I thought that all I wanted was him back in my life, that is no longer true. As a matter of fact, if I never saw or heard from him again, I would be completely content.

On to bigger and better things... I need a friend. a few would be even better.
Someone local, who likes to do things. Who will drag me out of my apartment on a tuesday night so that I'm not locked up here alone. Someone who will put a beer in my hand, tell me that I'm being rediculous and help me troll for men.
Someone who will remind me why I choose to be single on nights like tonight when all I want is to be hugged. I mean, honestly, this online friendship thing is for the birds... Real human interaction... that's what I need... and sleep

G'night. Chem.

Almost Finished. 

close up shot of drawstring bag